Age 1-7
The age where you’re nearing some form of independence from your mothers teat, but you’re not quite there yet. Your parents know that they only have precious moments till you’re running off with your friends, so they make the most of the time they’ve got and instead of treating Halloween as just another day you’re subject to the wrath of your parents dressing you up like the adorable cutesy child that you are, sure the costume is a bit tight from last year, but you fit! Then somewhere between your aunt squeezing the fat out of your cheek and your family pet running in fear from the flumpy bright orange, pint size pumpkin running towards him, you reach the inevitable realisation that you do, in fact, look like a tremendous pillock, aka “a total poopy face” and if you’re really lucky, your mum will hold your hand while you trick or treat.
Age 8-15
All right, another Halloween and you’ve got yourself some independence. Sure your mum still helps you out with your dope vampire costume, but that’s the extent of it! You can go out, knock on a few doors, get some candy and hang with your mates. Possibly cause some mild mischief, obviously not anything that can get you into any real trouble, after all, you don’t want to be grounded for the next week!
Age 16-18
Mischief, mischief, mischief. By now you’ve probably had at least 2 ASBO’s so getting in trouble is a bit of a kick. So much so, that the local grocery store refuses to sell you a twelve pack of eggs each for your “extra large omelette”. Never mind though, there are always ways around this, for example, stealing them from the milkman’s float! Yes I know, I didn’t believe that hooded kid either! Now you’ve got your eggs and your “still uses two hands on his steering wheel” mate who’s just passed his test it’s time for some drive by eggings! Still remember where your old English teacher lives?
Age 18-28
There are two scenarios here:
Male: You’ve got your Halloween party raring to go, you’ve had some milk and break and you’re ready to get lashed, all you need now is a kick ass costume, which you put more time into than any school homework you’ve ever had. At the party you do indeed get off your face as intended, your costume by now is mere smudges and broken cardboard. You may or may not wake up at home.
Female: Three words. Socially Acceptable Whores. You know it, all the other girls know it, the guys pray for it and you need to stand out. The usual uniform is a tight lace corset with a skirt that can only be described as a glorified belt complimented with either fairy wings and a wand or little tiny velvet horns.
Age 28-35
(not the good kind.)
It’s pretty much the same as above, only a bit more sad. Don’t get me wrong, you do get some people that age gracefully, you know the type of older woman, that has a cracking figure and kudos to the rest for pushing the boundaries trying to compete, but sometimes it’s just best for everyone if you just call it a day. Seriously.
Age 35+
(see image above)
